The Four Horsemen…Why is my therapist talking about the four horsemen of the apocalypse??

I talk a lot about the Gottman’s when I work with couples. With over 40 years of research, John and Julie Gottman are a couple who have made incredible contributions to our understanding of what makes relationships thrive—or fail.

One of their most notable theories is the concept of the "Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse," which outlines four destructive communication patterns that can undermine even the strongest bonds. These patterns—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—can create a toxic environment, leading to resentment and disconnection.

Simply recognizing the four horsemen is a crucial step for fostering healthier connections and building a lasting partnership. By understanding how these horsemen manifest in our interactions, we can take proactive steps to replace them with healthier communication strategies that promote understanding and intimacy.

1. Criticism

Criticism goes beyond simply pointing out a behavior or expressing dissatisfaction; it attacks a partner's character. For instance, saying "You never listen to me!" implies a flaw in your partner's character, rather than addressing the specific behavior that bothers you.

How to Combat It: Instead of criticizing, focus on expressing your feelings and needs. Use "I" statements to share how a specific action affects you, such as, "I feel unheard when we don’t discuss our plans."

2. Contempt

Contempt is perhaps the most damaging of the four horsemen. It conveys a sense of superiority over your partner, often manifested through mockery, sarcasm, or hostile humor. For example, rolling your eyes when your partner speaks can communicate disdain and erode emotional safety.

How to Combat It: Cultivate a culture of appreciation and respect. Focus on the positive qualities of your partner and express gratitude for the things they do. This creates a foundation of respect that counteracts contempt.

3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a natural reaction to criticism and contempt, often manifesting as a refusal to accept responsibility. When one partner feels attacked, they may respond with excuses or counter-complaints, making it challenging to resolve conflicts.

How to Combat It: Instead of becoming defensive, try to listen actively and take ownership of your part in the situation. Acknowledge your partner’s feelings, even if you don’t fully agree with their perspective. Saying, "I see how you feel that way," can help de-escalate the situation.

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction, either emotionally or physically. This can manifest as silent treatment or an unwillingness to engage in conversation. It often stems from feeling overwhelmed or flooded by the intensity of the discussion.

How to Combat It: If you find yourself or your partner stonewalling, it’s important to take a break. Step away from the conversation to cool off, then return when both partners are calmer. Establishing a timeout can help manage emotional flooding.

Conclusion

This is such a brief post about the four horsemen that it is difficult to capture all examples of what they may look like. It is also important to say that many, many relationships have elements of these four horsemen, and the occasional stonewalling or criticism is not spelling the end of relationship! The important thing is to notice, acknowledge, and change the behavior when it happens. A therapist, such as myself, can be a great source of help when relearning how to communicate in a healthier way.

If you recognize any of these patterns in your relationship, remember that help is available. Every relationship has its challenges, but with effort and commitment, lasting change is possible!