“I don’t know how to talk to my teenager anymore.”

As a therapist, I often have parents talk to me about how disconnected they feel from their teenagers. I’ve heard parents’ frustrations about the teenagers sounding like they speak different language, concerns that their kids are isolating themselves and spending too much time on their phone. I’ve heard parents worry that they will push their kid away if they hammer them for a conversation longer than 20 minutes.

Likewise, I hear many of my teenager clients say that they feel like every conversation with their parents is a lecture. Many of my past clients have said they feel like they are never heard by their parents, and that “it’s not like my parents would care or could help anyway.”

The teenage years can be a tumultuous time, filled with emotional highs and lows, and it’s crucial for parents to maintain open lines of communication. We know that connection is the key to healthy development, safety, and a happy brain. Here are some tips to help you talk to your teen effectively and strengthen your relationship.

1. Choose the Right Moment

Timing sets the stage for the rest of the conversation. When we as humans are not regulated, we cannot process information fully. If we are upset, our breathing is out of whack, and our body is in fight or flight, then it is not the time for a heart to heart conversation. If your kid is disregulated, then allow them time to cool off. Pay attention to their moods and cues; sometimes a casual comment can lead to deeper conversations when they’re ready.

2. Create a Safe Space for Conversation

People need to feel safe and comfortable expressing themselves. Set the stage by choosing a quiet, non-threatening environment for discussions. Avoid high-stress situations, like right before dinner or during a busy moment. Instead, try initiating conversations during relaxed times, such as a car ride, while doing an activity together, or simply asking to come sit with them on their bed for a bit.

3. Pay Attention and Validate

When your teen talks, give them your full attention. Put down your phone, make eye contact, and show that you’re genuinely interested in what they have to say. Reflect back what you hear by summarizing or asking clarifying questions. This not only validates their feelings but also encourages them to share more. Remember, you do not have to agree with someone to understand and empathize with their experience.

4. Be Curious

Teens often fear judgment, which can lead to them shutting down. Approach conversations with an open mind and avoid making snap judgments. If your teen shares something that concerns you, respond with curiosity rather than criticism. This will foster trust and encourage them to come to you with future issues.

5. Share Your Own Experiences**

Relating to your teen through your own experiences can help bridge the gap. You can share stories from your teenage years, including the challenges you faced and how you overcame them. This can make you more relatable and remind your teen that they are not alone in their struggles.

I share this tip with a caveat. If you are going to share your on experience, make sure it comes from a place of relatability and encouragement, not comparison. When a person is down, they usually d not want to hear about how you handled the situation so much better than they are currently.

6. Ask Open-Ended Questions

Encourage dialogue by asking questions that require more than a yes or no answer. Instead of asking, “Did you have a good day?” try “What was the best part of your day?” This invites them to share more about their thoughts and experiences, making the conversation richer.

7. Stay Calm During Conflicts

Disagreements are a normal part of any relationship, but how you handle them matters. If tensions rise, take a step back and breathe. Remind yourself that it’s okay to disagree, and focus on finding common ground instead of “winning” the argument. As hard as it can be sometimes, you are the adult. When things get tense, you can breathe, take a step back, and calm down before adding fuel to a fire.

8. Celebrate Their Achievements

Don’t forget to acknowledge and celebrate your teen’s accomplishments, no matter how small. This builds their self-esteem and reinforces the idea that you are proud of them. Positive reinforcement can make them feel valued and more willing to share their lives with you. Anytime someone tries something new that they were scared to do, that is praise-worthy. Anytime they had a choice and they made the right one, that is praise-worthy. Anytime you look at them and think about how much you love them and are so grateful you haver them in your life, let them know.

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Communicating with teenagers can be challenging, but with patience, understanding, and a willingness to adapt your approach, you can foster a healthy, open relationship. Remember, the goal is not just to be heard but to truly connect. Embrace the journey, and you’ll find that these conversations can lead to deeper understanding and stronger bonds with your loved one.